After Action Reporter

In our previous exploration of Homeland Defense: National Security Patrol, we explored the freeplay mode, beat up an old lady, and went broke. So far, so like the Federal Government, amiright? Hoho!

Today we’re going to check out  a challenge, specifically, keeping the illegals from crossing the border! You see, those dumb foreigners have got themselves into a civil war and now some of them have the audacity to hope that the US will come to their rescue! But they are mistaken! We are going to be working as hard as possible to keep them out of America.

The scenario is a simple one. Stop the illegals from crossing the border. You can read the briefing below.

First up, we have a base, it has some stuff already and we have a few overworked border guards. If you can’t tell what all the brown buildings are from the brown background, you should know that we have a command center, a barracks, a motor pool, an intel shop and a dog house and another barracks under construction. I’ll also build a detention center as well, as there’s nothing like a bit of detaining to amp the fun up to 11.

We also have a large and fancy border post! Look at it! So big and exciting! I dare the aliens to try to make it through this shining example of America’s might!

The first and most pressing piece of business is to unleash the Justice Hounds. Five are bought and they wander off, the scent of crime hot in their nostrels. Go, my four-legged minions! Seek out illegals and harangue them!

I’m pleasantly surprised to discover that I can buy cars and actually have agents get into them (I fit nine in one go, actually)! Awesome! Driving time! Here our boys are wandering towards their donut delivery mechanisms in anticipation of a great time driving around brown stuff (and over brown people? Who can tell!). I am not sure this base has enough American flags, though. Perhaps they can patch some more in.

With the cars manned it’s time to get off to the wild frontier where there’s no fence. The fence does a good job of keeping the illegals out, open desert, not so much.

I know the below is a terrible shot, but forgive me, it’s hard to pretty up this thing. What you’re seeing is Mexico on the bottom side of the picture, and America on the other. To the right of the fence you can see the observation posts  I’ve put up for newly hired guards to man.

Here’s another such outpost, way to the east. You can get a rough idea of scale from the mini-map. Oh, the car was bugged as soon as it arrived here. I think it got confused with the building, but in any case, it never moved again. I did manage to post a guard there though, so that’s good news.

I’ve also put up some surveillance gear, although it doesn’t seem to do anything. You can get to a ‘remote camera’ viewer from the intel center, but why would you? All it shows you is a view of the dirt. Literally. The cameras are all pointed down about 45 degrees it seems. I’m not sure agents respond to movement either. Hmm.

Here’s the view from the intel building. I only built one remote camera and you can clearly see it’s usefulness from the screenshot.

That’s either the dirt at the base of the camera tower, or a horde of Mexican refugees, surging towards the border. I’m guessing it’s dirt.

Although this scenario has been terrible to date I have managed to do some useful things. Firstly, I built four kennels and my packs of dogs roam the border area doing… well, I’ve got no idea. Nothing it seems. Here are a few of them checking out a building.

Also, my agents have also roughed up some people. Usually I have to help them, which means watching all of the map, all the time. They race after someone brown suspicious and then I’ll click on them and tell them to investigate and search the person. This agent has found some drugs! Off to the slammer with you, young lady!

In other news, the game continues to provide me with useful tips as I play. Thanks game, I appreciate it!

Depressingly, I seem completely unable to stop endless drug dealers, terrorists, refugees and general riff-raff from crossing the border. I’ve clicked all over the buttons on the border post and they seem to make not a jot of difference. Cars either pile up and I get fined, or my guards wave them through fairly quickly, and I get fined for all the drug dealing terrorists illegals making it into the US.  Oh well, At least the border looks like it is being run well!

Sadly, there appears to be something toxic in the Mexican sand blowing in across the border. Within days of being on the job the guards are all close to death (although they never actually die). Their health bars end up red and they walk like old men. I suppose I could sort out a hospital and micro-manage every single one of them back to the hospital for treatment, but I really can’t be bothered. I think the health thing may be a “feature”.

At this point in the game I’ve got a lot of posts up and guards along the border, but I’m still haemorrhaging cash and I’m getting very, very tired of this “game”. If my guards collar someone they all walk them back to the prison cells, leaving the border undefended. Very annoying. Very slow. But I notice one gentleman isn’t being walked, despite being arrested, he’s off on his own while the guard watches!

I figure this is an escaping prisoner and do the only sensible thing. I get the guard to open fire! Hopefully being buried up to the waist won’t affect his aim.

Bang bang! The perp is at low, low health, but angry! Brave, or foolish? Who cares! Shoot again Billy, he’s coming right for you!

Multiple gunshots do nothing but leave the perp angry and my notification thingy flashing with alerts. Apparently I’ve been fined for shooting a civilian. Oh well, I have the guard arrest the perp again and send him to the cells. And yes, he does seem to do that all by himself this time. Oops. Another feature?

The guard, perhaps depressed now, no longer responds to orders and after a few tries simply vanishes into thin air, like he never existed. Some might say this is a wry nod by the game developers at the way police forces cover up their mistakes, but I figure it’s just a bug, this game isn’t that clever.

In other news, checking the cells, it appears someone, somewhere, has detained a terrorist! Amazing stuff! I click the “Send to be charged” button and enjoy the small amount cash earned.

But this small victory isn’t enough and the inevitable happens and I run out of cash again.

The Game Over screen is a blessed relief, frankly. This is a terrible game; buggy, politically questionable, ugly, fiddly and tedious. I hope I never have to load the damn thing again.

Well, I hope you’ve enjoyed reading this more than I’ve enjoyed playing this damn game. That’s a pretty low bar, to be honest, so I’m confident I’ve cleared it. I’m going to go sob into my pillow now while I try and wash the colour brown fro my retinas with my tears. Good night.